Not ordained by Mark Zuckerberg, but by me: a moderately active Facebook user who remembers what it’s like not to have a News Feed OR taggable photos and who, thanks to a considerably uneventful post-collegiate “career path,” has regrettably permitted a drastic personal increase in social networking and/or profile stalking. I may not have brought you out of the land of slavery, but I sure know what I think is annoying.
I. Thou shalt not insert a ‘quoted’ nickname between one’s given and surnames, e.g. Debbie ‘Downer’ Palacky or Jon ‘Blazin’ Rodney. Nicknames are born, not made, son.
II. Thou shalt not post an entire photo album of pop art’sed and distorted photos of thyself and/or thy roommates. Your “idk, totally randomz!” album informs the world both that you are sometimes totally random late at night with your friends and that you have recently acquired a Macbook. Congratulations. [This may come as a surprise, but preset image filters are not interesting or impressive to anyone but you.]
III. Thou shalt have one, and only one, Wall. Be it a standard Wall, a “Super Wall,” or – heaven help us – a “FunWall,” you’ve made a commitment, and that commitment must be honored. Never again shall your “Friends” painstakingly recall a hiLARIOUS inside joke from last weekend only to be thwarted by the SEVEN decoy walls in the way of your actual means of communiqué.
IV. Thou shalt NEVER solicit others to join a pirate war, ninja fight, or any other flavor of the week suppressed minority group skirmish. “Donnie has invited YOU to join the Disenfranchised Librarian Fisticuffs.” Trust me, Donnie. However clever the combatants may be, your virtual battle will never be The One that convinces the rest of Facebook to surrender their carefully-maintained minimalist profiles.
V. Thou shalt not use Facebook as a vehicle to launch an amateur modeling career. Photographers can tell when you have manipulated saturation and contrast to a Technicolor degree, and real models don’t even DO that weird fishy pouty face.
VI. Thou shalt abide by the grammatical restrictions of “to be” verb use. You have been set free from the bonds of the “Patty is…” status, but with such great power cometh great responsibility. Take the extra nanosecond to delete the “is” [“Patty is LOVES PROJECT RUNWAY!!!”], or continue to challenge yourself to work within the guidelines of the irregular verb you have been given.
VII. Thou shalt accept the responsibility of photo album composition. YOU choose the best photo of you and your boyf in front of the Christmas tree from your new Nikon. “Oops! His head is blocking the angel!,” “Ew my face looks fat lol,” etc., are NOT adequate excuses for 17 renditions of the same pose, which was lame to begin with.
VIII. Thou shalt not yield to impulse and create a Group founded in a once-occurring inside joke. Continued references to said joke are sure to be fleeting, and the hilarity of the group’s mere existence will quickly lose its sparkle. [Then in six months you will have to deal with potentially awkward “Brett has left the Brett Bickerstaff Peed on My Potato Pancakes! group" news feed items.]
IX. Thou shalt not list Favorite Music in thy Personal Info unless thou actually hast favorite music. “Pretty much everything but rap and country” is not favorite music – it tells your audience that you have no taste.
X. Thou shalt abstain from gluttonous accrual of applications. Let us not forget Myspace, and why we left it. I am sure your newly single three-year college crush wouldn’t be interested in your backpacking trip to
